Most people aren’t astronauts, because you need a Master’s in STEM, a thousand hours of pilot-in-command experience in jet aircraft, 20/20 vision, must meet certain anthropometric requirements, and have an aptitude for Russian.

Most people aren’t porn stars either, despite much lower entry requirements. Yet most porn stars will be more famous and have an earning potential vastly greater than most astronauts.

Which sucks, right? Or maybe it blows …

Anyway, we should be telling our daughters to stop reaching for the stars and start training their ass, right?

Not quite. Because (just like astronauts) adult actors can only go ’round the world so many times.

Here’s me thinking ‘around the world’ was something us cool kids were doing in the 70’s.

Nup. With his servant Passepartout urging him on, Phileas Fogg circumnavigated in eighty days. Magellan dawdled around the globe in three years. Astronauts on the International Space Station circle the Earth every 92 minutes!

Julia Ann (who is not an astronaut) did it in seven days. Respect though, because she did it mostly on her back. And on her knees.

In real life, porn must be a bit like the Hotel California. You can check out of the adult film industry any time you like, but can you ever leave?

Maybe if you can find a side hustle.

We should ask Lisa Ann, Ginger Lynn, Janine Lindemulder, Chasey Lain, Jenna Jameson, Sasha Grey, Mia Khalifa, Sunny Leone, Jesse Rogers, Crissy Moran, Lana Rhoades or Kathleen Rubin.

Hah. What does it say that you sickos immediately picked out Kathleen Rubin as the astronaut?

The rest are ‘retired’ actors, many who discovered that life after porn was nasty, and their ventures often failed to maintain the lifestyle they’d grown to enjoy. Some disappear, many die, others dabble in fraud non fungible tokens.

It doesn’t help that the halfway house — OnlyFans — is no longer calling.

The problem? Everyone’s on it — that chick from MAFS, Cardi B, Bhad Bhabie, Bella Thorne — plus the slew of young, amateur talent.

Why would anyone pay to see Mia Khalifa’s droopy old bobs in 2022?

At least Khalifa is smart, and old astronauts can go to astronaut school and teach the baby astronauts stuff about gravity and shit. Or accept executive positions in the aerospace industry, blah blah, boring-boring.


The sting in the tail, and the tl;dr of this cautionary post, is think twice before becoming an astronaut! Name three astronauts excluding Glenn, Aldrin and Armstrong. Now tell me you can’t name at least a dozen adult actors.

That’s right.

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