I found it!
The explanation for soooooooo much unnecessary conflict in my life is attributable to one simple phenomenon: tone-policing.
Dare I say that I may even be the hapless victim of tone-overpolicing!
I know, its outrageous.
Being policed for HOW instead of WHAT you say triggers frustration at not being heard — which in my case boils over into anger, which makes things FUBAR, which makes me into the bad-guy for “overreacting” apparently.
Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, for bloody decades.
The chilling-effect of this has been that I tone-police myself now. Second-guessing how others may react to how I say means I very often say nothing at all. I let lots of dumb shit slide.
Last time I had a check-up my dentist said “Do you grind your teeth?” Fuck yes, I grind my teeth!
I know some will struggle to believe me.
Again, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! How could they possibly know that the torrent spewing out of my mouth is but the merest trickle of what I’d like to say?
This discovery is a dam-buster for me. A game-changer.
I discovered tone-policing accidentally, via an article about “tone-checking software” that government agencies are now using to protect snowflakes from the heat of a hastily-worded email.
Used offensively, tone-policing is a very effective tactic for shutting down conversations, a debate-dodging strategy.
Everyone has topics they’d rather not discuss, so tell the speaker to “Calm down!” each time they raise it and (eventually) they will stop!
My wife uses it every time I try to discuss retirement, for example. Because no amount of savings will every be quite enough!
Because — used defensively and usually subconsciously — tone-policing is a tell that betrays the respondents greatest fears.
Topics that trigger anxiety make you mentally flinch and, in psychological terms, project your emotions into the words (tone) of the person raising the forbidden subject.
You can’t hear the text when the subtext (tone) is shouting at you, even if YOU were the one who imported it into the conversation.
Whether used offensively or defensively, I now recognize the tactic.
And (before you start) it’s not “emotional invalidation” or some form of boo-hoo-woe-is-me microaggression to ask somebody to stay on topic. It just isn’t. What I don’t appreciate (and will no longer tolerate) are the saboteurs.
So get your own shit together, then we can sit down and chat.