Reporting back with my semi-ongoing thread about my development (such as it is) in the masochistic world of chess. As promised, I have started playing against humans again, and the results have been sobering to say the least.

But I have gained +140 points!

One screenshot tells a thousand stories.

Plenty of players on in my rating ballpark, swinging and missing, occasionally knocking another noob out of the park with an accidental checkmate. Don’t pretend it hasn’t happened! Blind luck may blossom into sound strategy, but my brain isn’t naturally wired that way. So for the time being, serendipity is my middle-game strategy.

While I’m sure a maths-brain would help, even with my non-maths brain I am winning more than I’m losing at the moment. I’d like to say that I’ll be 800 ELO with a bullet very soon, but only if the bullet is on the ground, and I’m on all fours slowly nudging it forward with my dick. Sorry for that mental picture…

Hey look, a cute bunny!


I’m taking a short break from chessology because I have an essay due, and about 600 pages of readings. Maybe when I’m finished I’ll do some book-learnin’ on chess openings and defences. A sensible reply to e4 would be a good start! Damn you, e4!

But the lessons chess is teaching me I’ll retain for life.

For example, any amount of alcohol impairs optimal brain function; I shouldn’t make important decisions when fatigued; Sacrifices must sometimes be made; White seems to win more often than black; and wives and 10-minute blitz games don’t mix.

The next time you hear from me, I will be 800.

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