Sometimes this blogging business is too easy. Chronicling the demise of the human race is a piece of piss when there are so many examples of why we as a species are in mordant decline.

Farts in a jar, for example.

Stephanie Matto sells her farts. Matto is a d-grade celebrity in the US who claims to have made $45,000 in a week selling her noisome posterial emanations. Why is this even possible? Because ‘Merica, and because “I have a really good personality, and also because I’m hot,” she explains.

Having appeared on some random US television show, Hot Matto launched an “adult-friendly platform” after discovering a market for her worn bras and panties, hair, bath water, and anal exhalations. “I thought farts were super niche, but also something fun, quirky, and different. It’s almost like a novelty item!”

So I’m thinking my 48-hour working week is for suckers.

I could fill eleven of those tiny jars in three minutes. If I just capture the bounty of a single day, I’ll need more space in the garage. Hot Matto sells her bumpuffs for $1000 apiece; I could make some serious cabbage at just $100 a toot.

But whereas Hot Matto is hot and Americans are fucked in the brain, I am not and this is Australia. We’re self-sufficient. We haven’t deviated so wildly into fast-food and/or ketogenic absurdity that we can no longer produce our own terminal vapours. Also, I can’t quality guarantee the item won’t ship with more ass hairs than advertised.

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