Let’s be clear, there will NEVER be a sequel of Shallow Hal (2001).

Adjectives used to describe the rom-com include “vile” and “agonizing” and in Gwyneth Paltrow’s opinion a “disaster“. Expect colorful rioting in the streets should the Farrelly brothers and Jack Black ever be seen together in public.

But I suspect Black’s character Hal is a straw man, the fall guy, and most of us have fallen for the red herring. The title of the film should simply have been “Shallow” because it succeeds (maybe) in doing what the directors hoped — point the finger at us.

Indeed, the Farrelly’s describe it as “a valentine for overweight people” and insist it challenges stereotypes, and while Roger Ebert gets it, the rest of the world shouts “Fuck no!”

If you need examples, witness the shallow review in The Atlantic on the 20th anniversary of the film which insists the directors are lying, and were cruelly mining Paltrow’s character for nothing but the LOLs.

Witness Paltrow herself. Paltrow is studiously thin, and has made a career from conflating her famous thinness with wellness, and wellness with her lucrative brand of smug, blond superiority.

Seem a bit pot, kettle, blonde doesn’t it Gwyneth? Jade yoni egg, anyone? Bee-sting therapy? How about a quick vaginal steaming? Be careful people, don’t hurt the water’s feelings!

Witness virtually any comment made in the last couple of years and you’d be forgiven for thinking “Hooray! We’ve won!”

The retrospective backlash against Shallow Hal (2001) — which was almost unanimously considered hilarious at the time — evidences the cultural awokening, sorry, awakening driving fat-shamers to inevitable extinction!

Except that it isn’t.

Because you people insisted, the world is non-binary now. Convenient antonyms are dead. Everything is a shade of synonymity. Nobody is bad anymore, let alone good, we’re all just toiling on the spectrum inbetween.

Shallow Hal (2001) is not the bad movie you all think.

It’s definitely not the worst movie of all time, as some claim. But if you’re a little shallow too, maybe self-conscious of the “pandemic pounds” you stacked on recently, then I suggest you avoid it.

I mean, why go out of your way to get triggered by a 21-year old movie? Go watch something SJW-approved and really, really, really fucking boring.

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