Sometimes walking along you trip over something, even though there’s nothing there. Right? I’m not the only one. You catch yourself, curse, then look back but there’s not a thing to blame except your own clumsiness.
That’s me and blog topics sometimes.
Hard to believe, right? I know you think I’m like totally up to speed on current affairs and shit, emerging sociocultural trends and whatnot, acid pen poised to peel away the façade.
But it’s not true.
Which brings me to Lucy Welcher, a 19yo Canadian TikTok beauty influencer @luluhasfun, the latest sandbar to snag my canoe.
I only know about Lucy’s video declaring “I’m too pretty to work!” because it went bacterial on a slow news day.
48hrs later she was bumped from the collective consciousness by a Slovakian model who declared her “naturally perfect body is too dangerous for the Internet!”
Sterile isotonic saline is just salt and water, so that’s natural. Transferring 4kg of fat from your ass to your chest is ‘natural’ too, in a way.
Even hyaluronic acid is “natural” because we harvest it from poor, white people living in trailer parks to plump the lips of vain, rich people.
After mining the moment, Lucy Welcher has moved on (or rather back) to cosmetics and coffee. The naturally-perfect Slovakian is still digging for more free publicity. Dig faster baby, because any minute now we’ll experience a synaptic whiplash and fixate on the next thing.
Hmm, I wonder what Dwayne Johnson is doing right now said no-one ever.
Sorry Dwayne. But this shit does trip me up.
I just don’t understand any of it. Who looks at themself that much, or that closely?
The most cosmetic thing I do is stand under hot water. I don’t manscape, I have no tattoos, I’m not working on my pecs, have never taken a selfie, and relish absolute anonymity because it means I’m free.
Even a mirrored cage is still a cage. Lucy Welcher got the reaction she’d hoped for, but is still sitting in her car disguising pimples with a Nyx Cosmetics Photogenic Concealer Wand or whatever.
“Why hasn’t Françoise Bettencourt Meyer called yet?” I bet she’s wondering, stamping her feet.
Without malice, I hope Lucy and that Slovakian bimbo wind up at Costco selling Maybelline products to those poor, white people I mentioned earlier.
It’s not the end of the world — remember German cashier Elaine Victoria “hottest ALDI worker ever”!
Because we all have to work, even us pretty ones, and if the reality check feels like a slap to the face, it might save Lucy a couple of bucks on blush.