With Netflix poised to confirm Snowflake Mountain is back in 2023, let’s vaticinate how this horrendous reality tv series is going to look.

I mean, fuck, we got another Emily in Paris so why not.

Following the tired-and-tested formula, ten (10) kidults will once again go glamping and botch a series of tediously simple challenges while 2.1 million viewers snigger at their uselessness.

In an expected twist, this season the snowflakes get sent to a decommissioned SAS training facility in the jungles of Belize where they get a proper beasting from Ant Middleton for their chance to win $100,000.

Yes, that buys a fuckton of spicy chicken wings. Just ask Deandra, the Season 1 winner who won’t be making a guest appearance.

Why? Because air safety regulations is why. Also, they couldn’t persuade the other passengers to sit across the aisle.

Yes, that was mean, but I only just got started.

The ten miserable misfits selected for Season 1 satisfied the diversity quotient, so expect the same mix of Alphabet People and idiots in Season 2.

One big exception: they’ll all know beforehand that they’re not the next batch of contestants on Love Island. They’re off to climb a mountain!

Inevitably the cast will include some dumbass arrogantly declaring they’re on the show “representing Black people” and some fool transitioning to genital mutilation who thinks we need reminding at least once per episode.

Like Season 1, everyone will be both mentally and physically unfit for each task. Wiping their own asses becomes onerous. Heh. I almost said anurous!

Prepare for toilet dramas and tropical bugs and much high-pitched screaming. The mere thought of hammocks will destroy these human marshmallows.

Yes, yes you were.

If the producers get the right mix of petulance, privilege and primadonna-ism, then Devon will return as a bitchy rich Asian from Boston, and that human Oompa Loompa Liam will be played by some tribal-tattooed fatty from Hawaii.

Sneak in a cashed-up bogan from Byron Bay as a Solomon doppelganger and you’re all set!

I guess the third Hemsworth was busy. Yes there are three of them. I meant the short one — Brett or Trevor or something.

Anyway, I hope somebody interesting sneaks through. I’d like to not-hate a contestant instead of hoping they all end up in the scary-tent.

I half-liked Sunny Malik. But only half.

Sunny was useless. And lazy.

Then again, this is Snowflake Mountain and not Alone, so lazy and useless is the point. I’m not sure we need to add body-shaming to that, but I reserve my right to snigger at the fatties as I hook into my box of Cheezels.

Come on Netflix, make it official!

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