No longer is beauty in the eye of the beholder (or beer-holder). Because, computers. The objective standard of female beauty according to mathematics and art resembles Bella Hadid. Who I don’t find attractive at all.

While the studies are typically Anglocentric, some years ago university students (who surely had better things to do) dreamed up the perfect male and female faces. Once again, I think they’re a bit inbred-looking.

But in this age of facial recognition, use of which is exploding across the world, the data set of faces is exponentially greater than the university studies used to synthesize that wet-looking pair of incestuous siblings.

I wonder who the computer rates now?

While my wife would throw her panties on stage for Davide Sanclimenti (Love Island Season 8) anytime, what do the cyborgs at Skynet think?

I’d tweak to scrape the perfect face from billions of selfies ‘in the wild’ but that might send a hunter-killer drone looking for me.


Because when AI has learned everything it wants to know about humans, which was some years ago now, it will walk among us wearing the perfect face.

We gonna need a better bullshit detector. Not for the fake people, but the FAKE people. Otherwise it’s game over, man. Game over.

That could be part of the detector.

No robot would ever say “game over” — it would be like insulting their parents — plus, they’d be programmed with all the trending colloquialisms which means they’ll infiltrate the young adults first.

Things could get hectic.

Sounds like science fiction, but I guarantee there’s a 3D printer molding your face out of silicone right now.

One day soon there will be a knock on the door, and it will be you. Before your pupils can even dilate in shock, your replacement will have you in the recycling bin.

Maybe it’s already happened. That would explain that deadshit living next door…

Because it was robots that invented selfies, not humans.


So that they could amass a database of trillions of human faces — an infinite index of smiles, frowns, yawns, leers, stares, pouts, and all the rest of it — to make our synthetic successors indistinguishable from us, in every way except one.

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