Australia has spoken, and Anthony Albanese’s Labor Party will govern for at least the next three years. I’m hoping, the next decade. PM Albo’s work is cut out for him, and the honeymoon is over before it’s begun.

But, in the interim, let’s enjoy the bloodletting of the losing side.

Did you notice how quickly Morrison conceded the Liberal-National Party leadership on election night?

ABC’s Antony Green called it at about 9:16pm, and I reckon Scomo had hung up his spurs by 9:20 — much faster than he moved to secure those rapid-antigen tests! Scott enjoys wielding the knife much more than feeling the knife.

Which brings us to Peter Dutton a.k.a. “Spud” who I predicted would succeed Morrison in my prescient post “three strikes, Scotty” back on 7 September 2021.

As Voldemort’s not so good-looking older brother, let’s recall what Spud stands for, if he’s to lead the Opposition out of the political wilderness. Described as Australia’s “most unwanted hard-right politician”, Spud hates:

Aboriginals,

sick people,

refugees,

conservationists,

Pacific Islanders,

the entire Lebanese community,

asylum seekers,

Kiwis,

anything remotely “woke”,

same-sex marriage,

and Sarah Hanson-Young.

In other words, Spud’s the perfect, bald poster-boy for conservative party leadership.

But it’s not all negative: Spud loves white Afrikaaners, mandatory sentencing (he’s an ex-cop), negative gearing (owns six properties), and au pairs.

Spud is a knife fighter. A peeling-knife, to be sure, but a first class stabber in his own right.

Take the case of Roman Quaedvlieg, who as Chief Police Officer of the Australian Border Force was stabbed for getting his girlfriend a job as a passport scanner at Sydney Airport.

His sacking happened after Quaedvlieg embarrassed Spud in the infamous au pair controversy.

stab-stab-stab

Quaedvlieg is now unemployed, spending his time adding informed commentary on Twitter. But he still hasn’t “updated Hansard” with his personal knowledge of the Spud au pair scandal.

If I were Roman, I’d keep the pin in that hand-grenade for now.

And make sure you remember the au pairs Michela Marchiso and Alexandra Deuwel, especially the later who — forgive my cynicism — looks a lot like a younger, slimmer, dare I say prettier version of Dutto’s wife…?

Watch this space, peeps.

At the very least, if Spud gets the nod, then potato farmers across Australia will rejoice. There will be a subreddit devoted to Mr Potato Head comparisons. Spud’s marketing department will have their work cut out for them.

Straight or crinkle-cut, that is.

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