I don’t know what’s happened — maybe an age-related drop in testosterone levels — but I’ve somehow been tricked not only into watching Married at First Sight, but also Married at First Sight UK!

Between the two, I am 437 episodes in and genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if the Cheshire Cat appeared on my bookshelf to tell me, “You’re not crazy. Your reality is just different than mine!”

Because, in the MAFS universe, anything is possible except love.

Whatever robot is spitting out the “matches” needs a hard reset, because it performs worse than a coin-toss. The premise: Match skanky hairdresser with steroidal tradesman and force them to live together.

They’re “scientifically” matched by robot. What could possibly go wrong?

Relationships are hard enough IRL with somebody you actually love, let alone some dense bint you just met. It’s why having adult relations with people you don’t like is called a one night stand.

After the cringey wedding ceremonies, exile the poor bastards to a foreign country for a week then bring them home to a claustrophobic flat. Film every constipated facial expression for editing into fake drama later.

Next, regularly bring them together and ply them with alcohol so that tongues loosen.

Then have three “experts” offer terrible relationship advice, and guide the groupthink along the most commercially viable lines.

The show’s formula: At least one shock per episode, and an unexpected, emerging villain or two.

You will hear the “experts” often describe MAFS as a social experiment.

I totally agree.

Almost 75 years ago, B.F. Skinner trained rats to behave like humans — he conditioned them to press a lever for a food reward. Now MAFS is training humans to behave like rats by pushing each others’ buttons — but for no reward at all??

Of course, there is a reward.

Most of the players have real jobs, but their social media side-hustles are obviously the driver for joining the show.

True love? Don’t make me laff, bruv. It’s for the likes, innit.

I’m just hoping UK S6 is shorter than AU S9. The whole Olivia-v-Demonica thing got old, really fast, so the final 5-6 episodes were absolutely excruciating.

With MAFS UK, instead of endless bitching, let’s see a couple of husbands squaring off Queensbury Rules-style, or the ladies in a proper catfight with those claws of theirs.

So while I may not have a head for mathematics, when it comes to figures my mind is a steel trap.

Round One: Tayah v Marilyse! Ding-ding!

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