I’m thinking of rewriting The Hobbit in the style of Seth Grahame-Smith.

In my version, the eponymous hero Dildo Biggins overcompensates for stature by being the proud owner of a very large sword. With the typical overconfidence of the overcompensated, Dildo auditions for the lead role in an upcoming musical.

Knobbit (2022) is directed by a creepy old white guy called Glandalf (known as ‘Mister Tickles’ in the industry), who thinks there’s more to young Dildo than meets the eye. The support cast aren’t persuaded or don’t care. The Omo triplets, for example: Fomo doesn’t want to to share the stage with anyone; Jomo is happy to get paid; and Cuomo is too busy grabbing pussy.

When their pre-production hype is savaged by a trio of social media trolls, Dildo infiltrates the trolls’ lair and, with careful doxxing, discredits the trolls much to the outrage of their loyal followers.

Turns out they were just three ugly white guys.

The troupe’s first stop is the Rivendell Film Festival, where they meet L Ron Hubbard and other key industry insiders. Glandalf hopes to scoop the prizes, but instead is awarded the Pomme D’Urgh (rotten apple) for the most politically-incorrect production of the season.

Thirteen dwarves? I don’t think so.

Fleeing the press, the troupe take shelter in a warehouse during the media shitstorm and are detained by a bunch of film nerds. When a debate about whether Arvo Pärt’s ”Spiegel im Spiegel” was the best fit for Van Sant’s Gerry boils over into a punch-up, the troupe escape the nerds but “accidentally” leave Dildo behind.

Wandering alone through the nerds’ labrynthine film archives, Dildo finds a golden cock-ring +2 on the floor. He takes the ring and puts it in his pocket. Soon he encounters Colin, weeping inconsolably. Colin has lost his golden cock-ring and feels like he no longer measures up.

Colin immediately decides there’s more to Dildo Biggins than meets the eye, and forces the increasingly uneasy hobbit to solve three explicit riddles, or otherwise succumb to the film-archive-dwelling nerd’s whimsy.

Dildo escapes the dom nerd to find the troupe have fled, with Women Against Random Generalisations in hot pursuit. Dildo rejoins his comrades and they are saved from the WARGs by Beorn, a large daddy-bear who invites them all for a sleep-over.

After a slightly terrifying night, Glandalf abandons the troupe in the dark forest of Milkwood where the troupe are stalked by characters from a forgotten 1954 BBC radio drama. Black Jack the cobbler keeps springing out from behind a tree, certain he’s interrupted some orgiastic tryst. Nilly Willy the postman walks past at random intervals, grumbling about how far he has yet to go. Golly Parter, constantly propositioning them for sex.

Dildo slips on his magic cock-ring and, like a flag-carrying Asian tour group leader, guides them out of the forest. After some hairy riverine escapades, they arrive at Fake Town where (unexpectedly) they are treated like celebrities. The scandalous reviews and troupe’s sudden disappearance has whipped the PC-jaded populace into a frenzy.

Just as they are about to stage the musical, they realise a key part of their set is missing. On the advice of townsfolk, Dildo visits the home of the resident dragon, Lady Smug, a silver screen has-been who clings vainly to her past. When she realises Dildo isn’t there to offer her a plum role in the musical but instead wants to borrow her car, she flies into a rage.

Lady Smug descends on Fake Town in a fury. A local named Budd, himself a nasty piece of work, has learned the secret of Smug’s weakness from a domestic aid recently dismissed by the dragon. Budd fires a cruel taunt at the old woman and breaks her heart, killing her.

When the locals descend to loot the old dragon’s estate, they find Whorin’ barring the gate, claiming all for himself. When Dildo attempts to broker peace with the irate townsfolk, only Glandalf’s sudden reappearance can save Dildo from breach of contract.

Right at this moment, the nerds and WARGs reappear, forcing the locals and troupe to band together. The nerds nearly win, but Beorn and a bunch of fucking eagles turn the tide.

That’s right, eagles. Who would’ve guessed?

Anyway, after the battle, Dildo returns to Knobbiton where he is treated with suspicion. Half the population hate him, the other half are panting. Dildo knows why. Plagued by a constant desire to slip on the golden cock-ring, Dildo’s rod road grows goes ever on.

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