In my ongoing effort to become more interested in sports, I girded my loins and decided to tune into The Footy Show. WTF?? Cancelled in 2019? “That’s a good sign!” was my natural anti-sport reaction, but then, consternation: How does one “get into sports” in Australia if the iconic The Footy Show has been cancelled?

missing you never

Unluckily, there’s a plethora of alternative Australian sports commentary on the www. Picked at total random, The Roar is a serious, comprehensive repository of sporting news, analysis and opinion. The problem is, the site presumes you’re already a clued-up fan of at least one sport. Made as much sense to me as the user manual for a Bugatti Veyron.

Which is a metaphor for — not much.

So I looked further afield for a more basic introduction to sport. Any sport. Not all of sportsdom, just a single sport. How about ice-hockey? I mean, that looks pucking (sorry) simple. And that’s when I stumbled across Barstool Sports.

Sports and popular culture? Win!

Or so I thought. Two hours later, I’d learned nothing about ice-hockey and too much about a podcast called Loud and Complicit featuring somebodies called Liz Gonzales and Kayce Smith, unkindly labelled ‘Beauty and The Beast’ by one commenter.

so, which one’s ‘The Beast’?

Now instead of learning how to “sauce” a “frozen biscuit” I was stuck with “two unmarried (by choice), childless, 30-somethings in New York City talking honestly about their fuck ups and triumphs” on Spotify. My first reaction was, like, is there still an audience for this?

Seinfeld’s Elaine. Franny Fine in Who’s The Boss. Ugly Betty. Literally everybody in Sex in The City, and half the cast of Friends. Et cetera and ad nauseum since about 1980. Maybe it’s the trope that refuses to die? I wonder why it has to be NYC by the way — aren’t there any career women in Des Moines?

Hmmm, anyway — instead of learning something new about ice-hockey, I learned nothing new about America. Because America invented this shit. The myth of New York, the myth about “living your best life”, and the myth that millions of men will tune into a podcast featuring two hot women in the hope they’ll spontaneously start scissoring.

Oh. Umm…

Just learned something new: America didn’t invent this shit. MEN invented this shit.

Men are scared to talk about real stuff with other men, so they invent sport. Men got too lazy to play sport, so they invent sports commentary. Men get bored with sport commentary, so they invite hot women onto the show (in the hope they’ll start scissoring).

Women get $$$ because men are scared, lazy, bored and stupid. They know they don’t have to actually be good at something to get their fuckload of diamonds.

all the way to the bank

Oh calm down.

No, not all men are that stupid. And not all women exploit male stupidity. But some of each gender are, and do. If I can find a sports channel / site / blog or even podcast that lets me begin at the beginning of any sport, then I’ll subscribe. And good luck to Liz Gonzales @TheLizGonzales and Kayce Smith @KayceSmith on their latest venture. Sorry I couldn’t stay longer, but your pod is really fucking boring.

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