There’s a joke which goes something like: “How do you eat an elephant?” to which the punny answer is: “One spoonful at a time!”

Unfunny jokes aside (What kind of monster would eat an elephant?) I have challenged myself to a 100-day regime of self-improvement. Some people detox, others de-clutter; I like to pretend I can change the bad habits of a lifetime on a whim but for the better, and because 100-days is a reasonable review date for presidents, it’s good enough for me!

Why they call them ‘hacks’ I don’t know and don’t care, but I’ve conducted a meta-analysis of a million self-improvement hacks and selected five things I will to do for 100 days that will make me better:

Firstly, I will read for half an hour every day.

Secondly, I will drink at least one litre of water a day.

Third, I will hug my wife every day.

Fourth, I will do the most-difficult work of the day first, every day.

Fifth, I will exercise five days out of seven.

no that’s not me

Do-able, right? I didn’t, for example, say I’ll ride my bike to work every day because I know I’d fail. The day after my second nightshift is a write-off — I’m barely human — and you wouldn’t ask a zombie to get on a treadmill would you?

Or maybe you would…

Anyway, each to their own. I wanted to add: cook a meal every second day, but that won’t happen because my wife has become very territorial about our new kitchen, and once she fills it with Le Creuset I’ll be lucky to boil an egg.

And to make it real, I will hold off spending anything for my looming 53rd birthday and donate $500 to a charity of my family’s choice if I fail. There. It’s in writing now, and posted to the webz for the world to witness.

I’d say wish me luck, but luck doesn’t have anything to do with it!

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