This is my first situation report on my mission to infiltrate the loony alt-reality of the crybaby conservatives who, once the futility of Twitler’s efforts to cheat the US election hit home, have now withdrawn like whipped bitches to their mommy’s basement (and online). I am trolling one Australian and one American site, and enjoying every single moment. It’s like a day at the zoo. But, importantly, I’m also learning. Because that was the mission: I don’t need to double-tap one of these retards and saw open its brain to understand it, because they are laying themselves bare to me (and anyone else) like witless, uneducated fucktards who don’t recognise the enemy in their midst.

But firstly, I’ve had to untangle their grunting lexicon. Conservative crybabies stole (being incapable of original thought) the lingua wanker of affiliate losers such as incels and MGTOWs to create their own ‘secret code’. Everyone’s a cuck now except these troglodytes, and reading their exchanges is hilarious. For a bunch of angry neckbeards whining about the New World Order they do seem to spend a lot of time on subreddits and porn chans instead of fulfilling their sacred destiny as defenders of right-wing cultural norms. Makes me think they must be really, REALLY scared of the Left. And so they should be, because the black pill has shown them their time is done, and ours has just begun.

Second, I’ve had to unpack their loopy maths. Every single crybaby conservative fails to distinguish the difference between a vote for the GOP and a vote for DJT. Not the same, idiot. Many of the 70 million voters gave two shits for Donald Trump. They voted for who seemed most likely to fill their pockets with cash, and who claimed to support the extremist views conservatives hold dear: for example, Christianity’s white supremacy problem, as it has been described. Laughably, the same dunces sullenly refuse to acknowledge real numbers, like Biden’s near-80M mandate, unmatched in US history; like their failed ‘Million MAGA March’; and like all that embarrassingly empty space at Trump’s inauguration.

Thirdly, I’m working on spotting crybaby conservatives in the field. This is made easier by the fact I work in a majority-conservative profession. A trolly post I read recently described how cons are distinguishable as good-looking Aryans with heaps of money and friends because they are all-round better at everything than those gender-confused, god-hating, commie libtards. I won’t cite the comedian who wrote this, but it’s worth quoting his conclusion just for the lulz: “These are the spiteful mutants of Cain who desire the approval that God has given Abel but are not worthy. Leftists are spiteful mutants, they really are.” God must have forsaken the Right, because every Trump rally I checked seemed to be chock-a-block full of plastic-faced Karens, and these lovely patriots:

But, you know, beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, as they say. The fourth thing I am investigating, for which I’ve yet to see much support, is the presence of women in these alt-right hate-groups. I know they’re out there, but why not in here? Is it because the lunatic rants of these sad floggers are not, shock me, as attractive to women as these fatboys hoped? Grinding out nasty comments in your echo chamber while sheltering from a virus you publicly deny exists doesn’t sound like living to me, let alone the clever opening feints of a cultural revolution aimed at re-establishing the primacy of the insecure white male. But don’t worry lads, dry your tears. The grown-ups have arrived.

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