I must walk around with my head up my ass.  Only today do I learn that Matt Damon is filming the fifth instalment of the Bourne series, after announcing in 2014 that he’d return to the role.  Exclamation mark.  As a result, ‘Extreme Ways’ by Moby has been on auto-rotate, figuratively speaking, and my pulse remains so elevated that I could conceivably asphyxiate a hired assassin with a rolled-up newspaper, or maybe garrotte him (or her) with a cord woven from navel lint.  Instead I’ll extract my head, put on my glasses so I can see properly, and take a deep breath.

Continuing a recent theme, let me put in a plug for Julia Styles, who is almost as synonymous with Bourne as the man himself, and who to my joy is joining the cast for Bourne 5.  Her coolly focussed naughty librarian routine is a perfect counterpoint to Matt Damon’s desperate anti-hero’s frenetic intensity, like a nice dollop of plum jam on gouda, so I view with suspicion the inclusion of Alicia Vikander (Ex-Machina) in the cast.  What purpose could this girl serve that Styles could not?  It appears Styles has been sidelined by someone whose contribution will be more or less skin-deep.  But–sigh of relief–at least it isn’t Grace Chloe Moretz, or that blunder from downunder Margot Robbie.

While its patently true that only Matt Damon can portray our eponymous hero nobody comments on the fact that Damon has aged, too.  But age isn’t relevant, right?  At least for men.  Good looks may get a wannabe male actor’s foot in the door, but if he can’t act he’ll disappear (or join the cast of The Bold and The Beautiful).  That explains why ugly mother*ckers like Steve Buscemi and Ron Perlman are still working.  But it doesn’t explain the success of The Expendables I, II and III, because with the exception of Jason Statham the whole cast are as ugly as a hatful of assholes.  I don’t know what’s going on with Stallone’s face, but he makes emoji seem animated.  That said, people are stupid, they see Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Lundgren and Lee in the promo and they’re all like “Quick! Take my money!”  I say meh.

With Bourne 5 in the works, I will once again commence hoarding the more killy items of office stationery (you can give someone a nasty nip with a staple remover) and prep myself in case I have to fight off three masked assassins all at once armed with nothing more than a blue Bic pen and a half-eaten pork roll (mmm, pork roll … ) anyway, I have to do this, because the bad guys are out there.  Enemies both foreign and domestic; some of the characters I work with are a little shady, so if push comes to shove I may well have to suffocate one of them (or at least shut them up) by stapling their lower lip to their forehead, or immobilise them with a ninja nerve-pinch while I prepare them for full-body lamination.

Thanks Bourne.  I’m ready.  Alert and armed, but not alarmed.




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