Pop quiz: Why does Australia’s coat of arms feature a kangaroo and an emu? Why not a wombat and a quoll, a tapian and a funnelweb, or any other pairing of endemic species?

Answer: Because the kangaroo and emu are incapable of rearward locomotion, is why.


That’s right, we’re a nation that never takes a backward step.

But we’re very good at looking backward, and like the underage groupie who spent the late-70’s bouncing on Steven Tyler’s penis, you’d think one day we’ll wake up with regret.

Sadly, unlike the groupie who double-dingoed Tyler long before he began to resemble the walking dead, this wide brown land of ours has never truly let go of Empire’s apron strings or learned its lesson.

Witness the fact that nobody alive today is apparently related to one of the 236 convicts who raped their way to Oz.

Let alone the 52 deported for bestiality!

Nope. Each Australia Day everyone insists they’re related to the guy who got transported for stealing a loaf bread to feed his starving weans.

You know, that guy.

Another sacred cow (Gallipoli) was the apotheosis of the (white) Australian tribe which forged the national psyche


an annual, half-baked bullshit excuse to dress up, get drunk and punch-on?

Each year millions of pissed idiots drape themselves in the English flag and drain a schooner in honour of “Great Uncle Jack” and/or other bogus relative who went over the top.

Yeah, sure.

It’s mostly lies, but we love a good, self-serving half-truth. Just witness Australian sport.

Cricket demonstrates exactly what Aussies really think about liars, cheats and thieves. We absolutely bloody love ’em! Especially if they tonk a double-ton in the heat of a Boxing Day test!

Next, witness our treatment of First Nations people.

Yes we stole it from them, but no we’re not giving it back. And we’re definitely not sorry, just ask David Littlepride. He reckons all the whiny aboriginals should just shut the fuck up.

I’m not bashing Oz. Far from it. This has got to be the greatest nation on Earth, and it’s a privilege to live here. But if we’re going to learn from the year past, let’s try stepping forward AND in the right direction for a change?

Happy New Year!

Leave a Reply