Coleen Rooney v Rebekah Vardy! Sometimes a sport-related story pops up that is interesting. Okay, maybe that’s over-egging it — let’s settle with mildly interesting. It’s still sport-related after all!

Rooney v Vardy

The wives and girlfriends of kickball players are often grotesque parodies of the attractive women they once were. Too much money and attention sends them down the cosmetic rabbit hole, and they emerge looking like waxworks.

But they’re not just fake on the outside.

In the UK, a judge will now decide whether Coleen Rooney (wife of kickball manager Wayne) is also fake on the inside. In a defamation trial brought by another living waxwork, Rebekah Vardy (wife of kickbller Jamie), she is accused of leaking Rooney’s personal information to media.

Quelle horreur, right? But that’s WAG land for you.

Apparently all of Britain is riveted. The tabloids are enjoying a feeding frenzy.

The proud nation that ousted Romans and Vikings alike now waits, breath bated, to see which of these bloated homonculi prevails. Did Boudicca need breast implants? I think not.

It might explain why all the female contestants on MAFS UK are so fat, and their husbands so dull.

Citing a Professor for added credibility, the NYT suggests the case highlights the tension between the desire for privacy and the price of fame. That’s true and perhaps academically interesting; but mostly it just screams catfight to me.

And who doesn’t like watching bimbos fight? They always seem to end up scissoring.

Anyway, when all the clawing and hair-pulling subsides, the English will sigh sadly and slump back into their overstuffed lounges, reach for the crisps and flick to the next distraction.

St George did these pudgy Poms no favour, killing that dragon.

With Johnny Depp v Amber Heard transfixing America, and this silly shit immobilizing the UK, I wonder whose purpose it serves by distracting the entire Western world from paying closer attention…?

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