In my December 2016 post Papini’s in Bikinis I predicted “… Then will come the exclusive interview, the book deal, the movie rights, and if I am not mistaken, it will be Papini in a bikini on the cover of GQ, Esquire and Maxim before the end of 2017.

Well it’s 2022, and while I’m surprised the magazines outlasted the investigation, I now think Sherri’s chances of draping herself lucratively across the cover of any publication has evaporated. Because the last six years have been unkind to Sherri, and another 5-10 in lock-up won’t help.

Then of course there’s the Son of Sam legislation, which in California may cruel Sherri’s chances of making any money whatsoever from her criminal enterprise. Alternatively, the little narcissist can just move to Nevada.

Let’s assume Sherri eventually finds herself on the north side of the Strip as a croupier on the $2 blackjack table at Flamingo. Along comes Jeffrey Mandel (Elves 1989) promising to make her rich. He just needs to cast an anorexic blonde for the lead.

Olivia Wilde maybe, or Ana Taylor Joy; or time-machine us back to Charlize Theron at peak-scrawn. At the end of the day, the bland blonde beauty of ‘Supermom’ Sherri Papini circa 2016 won’t be hard for Hollywood to replicate. Add some weepy numbskull to play Keith = $$win$$

I wonder who will play “Papini family spokeswoman” Nicole Wool — Hollywood publicist and marketing agent — whose shrill hypocrisy at the Sacramento Bee article which disclosed Sherri’s lurid history was, while fun to read, an indictment on poor Nicole’s ability to pull the wool over her own eyes.

I hope the Papinis at least covered her expenses.

Then there’s Sherri’s ex-boyfriend James Reyes, who “slept on the couch” for 22 days before dropping her back home. Sure you did, big fella. And Sherri’s all-male supporting cast (Man 1, Man 2 and Man 3) who also admit “spending time” with Sherri.

Once the casting is sorted out, any random backroad in California will do for the set. They could have the whole thing filmed in a day, I reckon, for about fifty bucks. It will turn over millions and, if my suspicions prove correct, at least somewill end up in Sherri’s fairly stretched back pocket.

Because nothing will get between Sherri Papini and her payday, not her husband, not her kids, her reputation, self-respect nor her freedom.

Because, you know, ‘merica.

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