Whenever I’m feeling a bit jaded, I read news from small African countries to perk me up. Case in point, Globe News 24 for Venezuela, where we get nuggests such as this:

A sexless woman is caught in the act with a goat” say reporter Itai Do-it Chikutirwe. “The unthinkable happened today when a 29-year-old sex-deprived Shamva woman was caught rapping a goat in a maize field.

Rapping in a maize field? Nice touch, Chikutirwe!

Of course, being Africa, there’s a picture of the woman and goat in the act. But this is Australia, so I won’t be posting it! For the record, goat-rapper Patience Bhobho has been sentenced to four months gaol for being baaaaahd.

Local goat-rapping expert Urombouroyi provides a hypothesis: “Pride has taken a lot of people, especially women, saying you’re not my type, yet there are few man as compared to world records, with the numbers declining every day as man becomes gays”.

That explains everything. Damn those gays!

Next on Globe News 24 is “After failing to pay a fee, a prostitute killed a 14 year old boy“, which recounts the fatal exploits of The Boy, who “took advantage of her mother’s visit to an all-night church to have a night of banging“.

Damn those “all-night churches” too!

Anyhoo, the prostitute “hired by the boy for sex fulfillment became enraged when he refused to pay her, and she began pounding her in anger until the boy final grasp” which, let’s be honest, is how we all want to go, isn’t it fellas.

Globe News 24 also explains why men like to date single mothers. Apparently, unmarried moms maintain higher standards of personal hygiene, “because they know every man is eager for sex 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” But, confusingly, men also prefer single mothers because they’ve already been “peed on, vomited on, and a variety of other unpleasant things“.

Not sure how you’d cover-off on all that in your wedding vows.

But to be absolutely clear, Globe News 24 want Venezuelan women to walk the high road and retain their virginity because “the flavour of God’s special fruit is to be treasured, [and ] men like me will leave to thank God for eating fresh apples keep doing right.” Which, you know, makes no fucking sense at all AND is grammatically incorrect.

But, you know, Africa.

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