Everybody knows that light in a vacuum travels at 299,792,458 meters per second, and no matter how much “electro-plasma” you shunt into your “warp coils” nothing can go faster than light speed. Kirk’s “warp speed” is an absurdity because it offends just one of 26 universal constants.

These constants make it possible (if not probable) that there are other universes out there also watching re-runs of Friends. Perhaps, maybe due to a infinitesimal wrinkle in the space-time continuum, there’s a universe experiencing Seinfield for the first time!

Lucky bastards.

Anyway, other constants include the hyperfine transition frequency of cesium-133 (∆νCs), which I’ve found useful exactly NEVER. The Avogadro constant sadly does not define the perfect ratio of avocado to goat cheese on your breakfast bagel. Planck’s constant was not that thing we (i.e., you, not me) were doing back in 2013.

Likewise, the luminous efficacy of monochromatic radiation of frequency 540 × 1012 hertz constant may help you pick a nice shade of green to paint your bedroom, but so far as universal laws go it’s pretty much irrelevant on a daily basis.

So, all you science-nerds, how about a constant that’s actually useful?

Here’s one: If you find yourself driving behind a motorist who is wearing a hat, you are going to be late. I call that Kaisson’s constant (K), and don’t bother with any risky stunt-driving to get ahead either, because the traffic-genie will just put them back infront of you again.

Another: If we’re ever threatened by a world-ending catastrophe, ladies, put on a dirty white singlet. The Singlet constant — symbol (*)(*) — means you’ll be safe. For men looking to outrun the volcano, tsunami, zombie outbreak or whatever, you have to be a good-looking American who’s amorously involved with singlet girl, otherwise you’re toast.

A third constant is that no matter where you go on holiday, somebody from work you don’t like will also be staying there. The sleazoid from Accounting who frotted you against the photocopier at the 2018 work Christmas party? He’s already spotted you by the pool.

A fourth constant is the remote control will always be out of reach when you sit down. Always, right? Don’t bother getting all comfortable with you drinks and nibbles and furry slippers and shit, wondering what JVN’s wearing this time on Queer Eye.

Finally, the constant that’s most-constant in my life: your wallet, keys and phone are never where you left them. Either the cats are smarter than they look, or SOMETHING keeps moving my stuff. Sometimes all the way back to my locker at work! Or in the pocket of those jeans I wore last week.

I think we need an exorcism. Anyway, 31 constants now. Take that, science! I’m sure there’s more, but my brain just seized.

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