Punch-drunk on articles denouncing the toxic masculinity of Australian politics, I naturally thought — what with Julie Bishop and Julia Banks both gone — who is now Australia’s hottest female politician!? Less than a minute into my ‘research’ I came to the shuddering realisation that it might be Sarah Hanson-Young.
If there was ever a reason to go to an early election, Scotty, this is it!
In truth, I began the post thinking it would be no-contest. The crown would automatically pass to ALP minister Kate Ellis, the only Australian politician ever to be offered $35,000 to do a nude photoshoot. But some quick fact-checking tells me our Kate retired from politics in 2019! I really do need to pay more attention. Apparently, Kate has even written a juicy tell-all book…
Speaking of books, I’m looking forward to Emma Husar’s biopic. I was also looking forward to refereeing a wrestle for top spot between Kate and Emma, but now I learn Husar was dropped by the ALP in 2018!
It’s a conspiracy, and I suspect I know who’s behind it…
Because we’re judging ‘hottest female’ the achievements (or lack thereof) of female politicians doesn’t count. Hence, Jacqui Lambie is our first and most deserving casualty of phwoar! We’re here to judge hotties not notties, so let’s cut to the chase and introduce our finalists.
Lucy Wicks MP (LNP – Robertson NSW) looks as good in a hardhat as she does out of one, and was originally endorsed by Tony Abbott, so that speaks volumes about her tottiness in person, because there’s nothing the Mad Monk (remember, he was Minister for Women) enjoyed more than standing next to a prime piece of ass. I’m giving her a solid 8.
Nicolle Flint MP (LNP – Boothby SA) is so flat-chested you could wax her down and take her for a surf. But it’s her dominatrix stare that gets her across the line for me. Naughty. I’m unsurprised to hear she’s party’s Whip down there in the City of Churches just for added frisson, because fuck-all else happens in Adelaide except for serial killing and stuff. But no tits means she’s a 6 from me.
Claire Chandler, LNP Senator from Tasmania, plays her feminine angles extremely well, but unfortunately she only has two of them. She’s also more cow than heifer, or looks it, and that subtracts a point. On the plus side, she’s a dead-ringer for Wonder Woman in glasses and because of a certain sexy-librarian-fetish I happen to suffer from she sneaks in at a weak-8.
Larissa Waters, Greens Senator from Queensland, got her boob out in Parliament in 2017 and may just nip ahead (see what I did there) of Sarah Hanson-Young her Greens rival from SA. Waters is a tidy blonde with a high-wattage smile she uses for valuable extra points. A yummy mummy who’s poised and polished, she’s a solid 8 or maybe even a weak-9.
Don’t think Sarah Hanson-Young is out of contention. She has a certain je ne sais quoi which makes the cut despite all her trendy man-hating. Half her pics on the www are of her crying, which adds points because it makes us want to console her. In response, she’d beat you savagely, berate you viciously, then cook you lasagna. And by the look of her, she can cook a lasagna. 8.
Last but definitely not least is Kristina Kenneally, ALP Senator from NSW. An exotic import, Kristina’s early photographs are lovely, but she’s older now and looks a bit like the chicken who survived eight minutes in a tumbledryer. Her neck may be gone, but sheer blonde ambition makes her my first unhesitating 9.
So if it were up to me, I’d persuade Kate and Emma to tag-team Larissa and Kristina in a swimming pool filled with raspberry jelly using nothing but the whippy bits at the end of their bikini straps as weapons.
Before you start foaming at the mouth and screaming awful words at me, do us a favour and look up one more word (satire) then tell me what you think. If I had to pick my favourite female politician, now that my hero Julia Gillard is gone, then it’s Penny Wong. And I don’t give a fuck how she looks in a two-piece.