Ah selfies.

The gift that keeps giving.

Unique in human behavioural history, while we as a race usually abandon the old for the new, every type of selfie remains popular. There’s no reduction, sadly, in old-school bathroom-mirror belfies; nor (less sadly) does a fresh boob-job anywhere in the world ever go unheralded.

But there is a change in the wwwind.

What began quietly circa-2015 as the unselfie movement has morphed into something truly strange. Practitioners of this dark art who are not content to simply annihilate themselves from selfies can now omit themselves altogether.

Ladies and gentlemen, we stand at a cultural crossroads. Remember where you were today, and which way you twitched, because I’m about to introduce you to the selfie of tomorrow. Are you ready?

Ta da! The photograph!

sorry ladies

Believe it or not, we now have the surreal option of not taking photographs of ourselves!

To make the transition less painful (existentially if not physically), we now have the option of removing choice from the equation. For example, the Poparazzi app only allows you to takes photos of other people. I know, right? The only way to curate your profile in future will be to have other people take photos of you.

Perfect your smize without also juggling a phone!

If this isn’t a fork in the selfie river, then I’ve never paddle a fucking canoe.

And speaking of boats, some people have clearly missed it, because I’m still seeing lots of articles à la ‘best selfie camera phone 2021,’ and Apple have patented ‘synthethic group selfie‘ tech that allows you to generate group selfies “without having to organize or arrange people around a camera” — perfect for those who remain united in spirit, if not by aerosolization.

I would have called that Photoshop CS, but that’s just me.

If this isn’t the end of selfies as we know it, then it is at least it’s apotheosis. The urge to take immodest pictures of yourself and release them forever unto the interwebz appears to be a compulsion for many, who may choose to stick with what they know. I don’t care, but I’ll be watching carefully for where this crazy idea — photographing others — leads us.

And when I know, I’ll be sure to let you know.

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