If you’re a tourist looking for a second-year Working Holiday visa in Australia, you have to complete 88 days of farm work in rural or regional Australia in a bikini. This is the law. While most farmers are glad for the seasonal work and treat their temporary employees well, inevitably, some will fall into the slimy clutches of a bloke like Nirmal Chohan, who owns a sugar cane plantation an hour west of Cairns.

Nirmal expects his female employees do ‘dirty’ work in a bikini in strict compliance with s213(b) Backpackers (Enslavement and Exploitation) Regulation 2003. Unfortunately, he then oversteps the mark by appearing beside the worker in the nude. This tells me Naughty Nirmal is above-normal when it comes to his vital statistics. Not for him the admonitions of Dr. Aman Jaiswal, who says “It is the mistake of a man to mistake woman as thirsty for big size.

The Mughal Monster doesn’t actually do anything with his membrum virile except flap it about. When the disgusted girl asks him to put it away, he does. When she asks to leave, he lets her. But if she ever asks for money or help, he asks for a ‘happy ending’. I thought all girls love fairy tales? Why so many refuse his request for a recitation of Cinderella I don’t know…

German backpacker Paula, American Maddie, Dutch Madjella and Belgian Catherine all ran foul of Abnirmal, but he’s not the only sleazoid out there. 417 complaints were lodged by backpackers last year. Raena on a sheep farm in South Australia was ordered to work in a bikini so the famer could “watch her boobs jiggle”. A fruit farm in Victoria had the same uniform code.

The usual head-bobbing and hand-wringing from the government, and bugger-all action against offending farmers. Abnirmal was a rare exception, he admitted his offences and is now on probation. The Catholic Church has even weighed in: “Forgive us Father for the thousands and thousands of children we have raped.” God: “That’s okay, just set up an Anti-Slavery Taskforce and we’re even.

But I’d take it up a level: So long as they pass minimum standards, ALL women should be obliged to work in bikinis. Because I too enjoy the jiggle. It would make the working day infinitely more tolerable. In a show of good faith, I’d even whip out the budgie smugglers. It would be discrimination otherwise, right?

Expect seismic shifts in workplace demographics once this new program goes live. 99% of women would elect to work permanently from home. Yet 99% of men would rush back to work because of the 1% of women who didn’t. This is a win for everybody! Imagine the productivity gains! I am a fucking genius.

But I do emphasise the minimum standards test. This is not something that will naturally work itself out. I for one do not volunteer to be on the review committee when it comes to assessing return-to-work applications. Certain things cannot be unseen.

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