Apparently the US election will boil down to the result in six states: Arizona, Florida, Michigan, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. As a side note, thanks for identifying exactly where in the US I would not want to live (or spend my tourism dollars. Ha. Remember that? Tourism?) Anyway, in an effort to help my Democrat brethren in these six key states, let me point out some chinks in the Republican armour you may want to exploit.

Arizona. As resident of a location often referred to as the hottest place on Earth, I know the plight of Democrats spreading the gospel of the Blessed Joe in tough conditions. The heat-addled Arizonian brain regresses to a base state of utter self-interest under duress, so there’s no point arguing philosophical niceties like truth v lies with somebody who’s effectively subhuman between 10am and 4pm every day. No, the winning strategy in Arizona is to promise every undecided ape a quality air-conditioner and a keg of icy-cold beer. Pocket-change will buy Arizona.

Florida. Blame Seinfeld if you like, because all I see are hordes of leathery Americans in athleisure with too much time on their hands. Let’s assumed American self-funded retirees are like Australian self-funded retirees insofar as they have zero sympathy for anyone less fortunate than them, and are hatefully envious of anyone better off. Because everybody in Florida is on the clock, there’s no point (or votes) promising them a better future; instead, give them a better NOW. Just stump Trump by outbidding him on every aged-related bribe he makes. You both know you’ll never have to deliver, because four years is literally a lifetime in Sarasota.

Michigan. Wages are $8K less there than the national average. Lots of truck drivers in Michigan, and truck drivers are pragmatists. Trump’s tactics in Michigan have been more of the usual lowest common denominator stuff: scare them witless with talk of ‘elites’ and ‘minorities’ and ‘special interest groups’ coming for their guns. The minute liberal SJW’s start bleating in cafes across Lansing, the GOP wins. Trump’s weakness in Michigan is that’s he’s not just another regular old white guy who drives a truck for a living. He’s actually an old white elitist who flies to work in a helicopter! Not only does he not own a Dodge, he doesn’t even drive! Think again, Michiganders!

North Carolina. Last to join the Confederacy, the state where one-in-three were once slaves is now home to one-in-three undecided voters. Joe can turn the tide here by just not being Trump. That human headline proved that it’s “better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and to remove all doubt,” so the Blessed Joe needs to be unremarkable. He’s in North Carolina being unremarkable right now:  “Pray I have the capacity to step up and do this job,” he says, “Because four more years of Donald Trump will fundamentally change the nature of this country for several generations.” Sounds vote-winningly boring! Who knows, an appeal to the Almighty (and more $$$ for attack-ads) just might swing the state.

Pennsylvania. Poor Trump. Joe is bringing sexy back big-time to disgruntled conservative women right across the Keystone state. Those (milky) blue eyes, that slicked-back (thinning) hair, his boyish (CV 19 mask obscured) smile; What hope does a fat, orange, pussy-grabbing buffoon have against the Blessed Joe’s all-American appeal? Even Trump’s cheer squad of bottle-blonde, ivory-nailed, anti-feminist harpies would privately be thinking, “Hmm! A nice, hot cup o’ Joe, indeed!” While Biden’s path to victory is littered with high-waisted panties, poor Donald finds himself tottering down a slope that’s slippy with the tears of all the Karens he’s betrayed. MAGA = Making Angry Girls Angrier.

Wisconsin is the place where Minnesotans go on weekends, isn’t it? For the cheese, apparently. You would want to be indoors, too. +46°C in the summer, -48°C in the winter??! WTF?? Why didn’t I know about this hellhole? Fun facts: Wisconsin gave birth to the modern Republican Party, the state’s biggest employer is Walmart, AND it has the highest per-capita alcohol consumption in the country. Hmm. The Blessed Joe ain’t greedy, maybe he’ll let Tweety keep just this one. That way in ten years’ time when Donny is released on parole for tax evasion he can get a job at the Walmart Superstore in Milwaukee. After work he could hang around Arnold’s Restaurant with Richie, Potsie and Ralph. Not the Fonz, though. The Fonz would punch Donald Trump white again.

And that’s it. You have two weeks, so git ‘er done.

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