Just this morning I was innocently crossing the street, dilligaf expression firmly affixed, when out of nowhere the irony-bus knocked me on my ass. Yes, again. I hate that fuc*ing bus. Aly Raisman, one of the 160 victims in the Larry Nassar trial, is out there in the twittersphere justifying her second spread for Sports Illustrated by claiming that posing nude and semi-nude for a men’s magazine is empowering. “Women can be intelligent, fierce, sexy, powerful, strong, advocate for change while wearing what makes them feel best. The time where women are taught to be ashamed of their bodies is OVER” she says, with a bit of capitalisation to show she’s #Serious. Personally, I don’t think Ms Raisman has ever been ashamed of her body — indeed, here’s Ms Raisman in full social justice warrior mode, bravely advocating against the objectification of the female body:

While I doubt there’s a sane male out there who would dare to contradict #MeToo and it’s standard bearers, how are we meant to reconcile this with the vitriolic, almost-monolithic backlash against other women making money from their bodies? I mean, by Ms Raisman’s standard, aren’t walk-on girls #FeministsToo? It’s darts for fuc*s sake. Here’s a bloke who knows what it’s about. He may have won the tournament, but he is deferring to the real power in the room; and if you think the gorilla in the suit behind them is for his benefit, you’re kidding.

Motor racing is a great example of High Feminism. I’d go so far as to say there are few sports where feminism is quite as entrenched as Formula 1. Here’s a bevy of totally empowered ‘grid girls’ hard at work raising awareness against the evils of body shaming and stereotyping.

Right alongside them in the sisterhood of empowerment are the NASCAR girls.  Just look at the respect (and fear) in this guy’s eyes!  He is overawed. And so he should be, he wouldn’t stand a chance against three of these cultural revolutionaries, armoured in their tight leather battle-bodices, ready to take on all enemies of the New Order. In fact, I guarantee their mere presence has him standing totally to attention.

The point I’m clumsily making is that this sometimes derided industry, the promo girl, is in fact populated by neo-feminists who can and will mess your shit up. Don’t be fooled by the smiles, promoting feminism in the blazing hot sun is a serious business. Being responsible feminists, they are wearing eye protection to ward off photokeratitis and squamous cell cancers of the conjunctiva. And that’s important. That’s showing the next generation of badass women warriors how to get ‘er done.

The further I research the more proponents of positive body empowerment I discover.  For example, who knew that burger girls are feminists too? You can’t tell it from the still photo, but the feminist on the right is actually telling the feminist on the left: “We’re doing this so that all the little girls who are watching will never doubt that they are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve there own dreams and shit,” with the relevant citation in the fine print at the end.

… tractor girls? Feminism has spread to rural areas, too!  Bravo ladies! You’d never guess, but this feminist just spraypainted a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt on the side of a barn in Wyoming after she ploughed the patriarchal-bastard farmer’s ass into the cornfield with his John Deere; a quote which reads “A woman is like a tea bag—you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” And this sista ain’t a’fearin’ to find out! Nope, see, that’s country-style feminism at work right there.  No shame at all.

To be honest, its getting to the point that I’m beginning to doubt there are any traditional anti-feminist niche areas where female empowerment has yet to gain a foothold. I mean, WTF even archery is feminist? You misogynistic dinosaurs can’t even hide in the woods from feminism these days, because dressed in this camo gear I doubt you’d even see her before she’s katnissed your hiney to a picea sitchensis and starts working on your woman-hating detestables with her Becker BK2. Fair warning y’all.  Just because you can’t see the feminist doesn’t mean she isn’t there.

I work in a government agency, and I am surrounded by feminists. But you would expect that in an organisation where positive discrimination has held sway for at least a decade, and aren’t we reaping the benefits! So I am glad to see that even non-government agencies like PETA, on their holy crusade to save-the-world from all those nasty meat eaters, who are mostly MEN by the way!!! have realised the ideological benefits of co-opting feminism into their movement! Plus, I like lettuce.

I haven’t said much about the celebrity feminists, because they are everywhere blowing their tiny trumpets and making noise, and you know them all anyway. Household names like Sofia Vergara, who I doubt ever felt ashamed about anything, promoting Pepsi in the name of women’s right everywhere because women deserve an icy cold beverage any goddamned time they like. She is so full of feminism its just popping out of her, can you tell? You go, girl!.

et cetera,

et cetera.

You all get the point I’m making, that this #MeToo thing is not the beginning of a revolution, it’s the end of one. Ms Raisman is chasing a train that went through her station a hundred years ago, and grabbing hold of the caboose and train-surfing it for a few miles before it finally slows and stops is hardly the act of a world-changer, despite her attempts to energise her participation via the Nassar trial. Women have been promoting feminist values of body positivism and empowerment for untold millenia by doing exactly what Raisman’s done with Sports Illustrated. Making money from their bodies. There’s no body hatred here, no ‘taught’ shaming of themselves or anybody else. That should be where I end it, but what perplexes me enough to stretch it out by one more paragraph is this: why are women still getting paid for this?

Research puts the kybosh on all of it. Meta-analyses of peer-reviewed studies proves that the female form no longer sells product. Other studies have shown that the real leaders of industry are responding, and that bare skin is giving way to the product itself, unadorned by busty young feminists. I have no doubt genuine dissatisfaction with the excess of skin in all forms of media has set the barometre of social media spinning, or that people are listening. So why isn’t Sports Illustrated listening? Why isn’t Ms Raisman and all of the kabillion semi-naked feminists out there listening? Are they too busy snatching dollars from companies that have yet to get the message? Where to for feminism when women can no longer make money posing in bikinis — there aren’t enough CEO positions for you all, so who draws the short straw and gets to drive the taxi? Work in the mines? Drive garbage trucks? If the future really is female, what’s the plan? I hope somebody has thought it through, because feminism has been great for us guys too: when you ‘win’ we can all relax, because if you’re sexy no matter how you look, then we are too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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