This post is to help all the decent folk wanting to get out of the US before it’s too late. I’ve hyperlinked the application form, now that you’re officially refugees. Hint: don’t come by boat.

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Australia (fyi) is at the bottom right of most world maps, where they dumped all the red clay after they made the other continents. Dry place, full of nasty bitey shit, and then there’s the wildlife as well. Our coffee is generally good, our beer is always cold, we burn our meat as a rule, speak betterer English than you, and we’re generally pretty friendly so long as you’re a white, middle-class, English speaking, heterosexual, cisgendered, sports-loving, meat-eating, conservative male comfortable with the patriarchy and aged between 45 and 65. So while you’re filling out the form, mate, I’ll fire up the Weber and throw another shrimp on the barbie.

Did I mention we have universal healthcare the likes of which that other guy, you know, the one-step-forward guy you just replaced with the two-steps-backward guy. The black one. Yes, him. He’d love it here. Mind you, we have black people here already and I’m not sure they’d recommend the place. They’ve been around a while, so if anybody knows, it would be them. But, if you’re hellbent on asylum, you could do worse. And while you’re deciding on where you want to live, take another pro-tip from me: there’s a redheaded witch in the tropical north of this country you really want to avoid. I think she soiled her barbwire panties when she heard what you guys just did. She’s not the only one you want to avoid, but the others are usually identifiable at a safe distance because they all wear the same resting-bitch-face. All of them except for our Immigration Minister, Peter Dutton, pictured below. See if you can pick him out from the line-up, kids!

(Hint #3: the other one is a potato).

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I know you guys aren’t to blame, and for once there’s no schadenfreude. I have the luxury of just feeling disappointed, because I don’t live in the US. Citizens of mainland North America can probably think of a much longer list of emotions, beginning with disbelief and ending maybe in fear. And yes, I know the choice was stark and unpleasant, but I’m sure I said it might be wise to pick the LESSER of two evils? Anyway, the past is the future now, you’ve gone your own way. I hope it was just all electioneering rhetoric, lies President Trump (ugh…) had to tell to get the groundswell of support from the uneducated white bigots who felt they were getting left behind by life. But I hope his intentions are actually good, and not just some cowboy wet-dream of heading up a posse and lynching some dirty, thieving chinaman.

At least half of you, though, I gotta say it — you should hang your heads in shame.