I need a proper, scientific explanation for what’s happening to me. First, it was Married at First Sight, then it was The Circle, and now Byron Baes.


If it only happened once, you’d shrug it off as lack of options on Netflix plus too much red wine. Twice, maybe an unfortunate coincidence and/or misaligned star signs, cusp-of-Venus-thing. But three times???

I’m not even watching this diabolical shit as it happens. I’m watching it afterwards. Is my life really this empty?

I may have considered Byron as a holiday destination once upon a time, but this pointless mean girls bitch-fest killed that forever. The only way I’ll ever meet these bumpkins would be if my flight to Noosa exploded in mid-air and I had to parachute somewhere.

The cast of Baes make me wonder if it’s more economical to transport collagen by land or sea. I note everybody got some work done before the cameras rolled, so there would’ve been an extra crate of peroxide and depilatory cream in that shipment as well.

You can imagine a small army of thick blondes in raw linen tripping over their hair extensions as they unload the truck in dead of night. If this were a parody, you’d get it. But no, they’re all dead serious.

“Oh heeey sweetie, so good to see you, mwah! Oh my god I’m like so obsessed with that like scarf or whatever right now” “Oh thank yeww!” “So like yeah like how are yooou?” “Yeah like so good actually yeah” “So good! Was last night like hectic or what!” “Oh my god no, so what like happened?” “Oh sweetie shits about to get real!”

The scriptwriter and/or next person to call themselves a ‘creative’ gets a free punch in the head. It’s as if somebody started writing “Wolf Creek by the Sea” but abandoned the script, which is a shame because I’d love to see somebody chainsaw that thing off Jade Kevin Foster’s lip.

Only one thing could be worse than news of a second season, and that’s a second season starring Rebel Wilson. If she’d joined the show earlier, we could’ve had the scene where Elias spots Rebel on the beach and rallies his mates to roll her back into the ocean.

Luckily, it’s all about the baes (’bout the baes), no Rebel.

But all is not completely lost.

Fragments of the original horror movie that segued into Baes seem to have made it into the straight-to-Christian-dvd movie The Possessed (2021) starring John Jarratt, with a supporting cast including Melissa Tkautz (remember her?), Simone Buchanan (remember her?) and a bunch of nobodies I’ve never heard of, including Jade Kevin Foster!

I hope the demon bites off Jade’s head so there’s no chance of a Baes 2.0

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