Mainstream media in Australia is preoccupied by the fantasies, fears and foibles of those living in Sydney and Melbourne, and to a much lessser extent, the other state capitals.

They could care less about rural Australia (unless its underwater or on fire), and stories from the Outback are as rare as postcards from Kyiv.

Too soon?

Anyway, since my sons became home owners recently, I’ve paid more attention to the “property market” than usual (usual = zero), and I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon.

At least according to the media, every prospective homeowner in Australia appears to share a common characteristic.

Can you guess what it is?

Have you worked it out?

The mystery doesn’t end there. Obviously what is infecting the water supply of potential buyers has also tainted the genomic sequencing of real estate agents, even those whose sole purpose is to give opinions about real estate!


They’re all damned unattractive.

WTF!? Is it discrimination? Maybe it really IS in the water? The air? Really bad contact-dermatitis? Whatever it is, you’d want a ready supply of antihistamines, or something. For the swelling.

I get that everyone wants their little box on a hillside.

It just seems unfair that all the good-looking people have to move to Dubbo. Places like Armidale are okay in the summer but fuck-me! in the winter. And competition’s going to be really stiff for modelling gigs in Burrumbuttock this year.

This chart apparently explains everything.

What arcane real estate numbers don’t tell you is how many homeless babes were punted to Cumbooglecumbang in ’21. Or where the government’s $50M AUD Beauty Relief Package went?

There’s a truck driver on the M1 right now with four tonnes of Estee Lauder’s Re-Nutriv Ultra Diamond Transformative Energy Crème, and nowhere to go.

It’s a national disgrace.

Speaking of Kyiv, the absolutely hideous First Lady of Ukraine is now living in a cellar, like a troglodyte. We’re forcing people underground now??

I know it’s Putin’s fault, but has anyone seen that goblin Alina Kabaeva recently either? That’s right, she’s underground too — Alina’s been preparing for ages; it’s why she’s so bendy.

What’s next?

With the ring-lights of all those benighted influencers we ejected from Sydbourne blazing, Tibooburra can now be seen from the moon. But at least these hideous monsters might find a home up there in Corner Country. Like the charming fixer-upper pictured above, for only $75,000. Located on a prominent corner block only 50m from the CBD, this two-bedder is an absolute steal for the savvy investor.

Which means, be quick! Miss out, and you’ll all be squatting in tents.

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