After a busy morning throwing rock into the Nepean River, my grandson enjoyed a Banana Buzz from Boost Juice while I had a Protein Supreme (for the gains). Little Elf’s mummy had something green and healthy, and my wife had an exciting bottle of water. All up, it cost about $40 and did nothing to end world hunger, just like Elon Musk.

For somebody who’s worth $315 billion USD, Elon probably has $6B in loose change down the back of his sofa. But could he have handed it over on the quiet, instead of publicly taunting the World Food Programme with some passive-aggressive tweet? Yes and no. Elon likes the sound (and tax incentives) of philanthropy, hence the offer, but it also always has to be about him.

I suspect Elon’s a little on the diminutive side. It bothers him. He hadn’t seen an article about him for a few days, and was starting to hyperventilate. Every brain the size of a planet has an ego for atmosphere. On Elon’s planet there’ll be a statue of him on the pinnacle of it’s highest mountain, fingering the stratosphere.

A little bit bigger than life-sized, maybe. Probably the Old Earth equivalent of 6′ tall. But when the descendants of the Twelve Colonies do finally arrive home, they’ll discover an empty world scarred by the colossal skidmarks of Elon’s escape-fleet, propelling his chosen few into the void.

Too late, there will be no-one to warn Elon of the Borg menace in Delta Quadrant. We can only hope his gigantic brain will link the correct stargates to bring our raggedy fleet of arkships to Arrakis in time for the rains. We’ll have to keep saying nice stuff, otherwise he sulks. “That statue in the helm is only 180 centimetres tall!!

We could be drifting in space for years.

But of course we can avoid this desperate, destitute future if Elon sticks to building eco-friendly cars. Keep your money on your pocket, mate, and let Darwin do his thing. Perhaps when the reset button resets there won’t be any hungry mouths left to feed. Then maybe a smoothie blended by a moody girl with thick ankles won’t cost me $14.

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