Back in 2015 I wrote a post called ‘vlad the impaler’ which humorously-but-definitely not-seriously (please don’t assassinate me) poked gentle fun at Vladimir Putin for dumping his wife of 32 years for a 32-year old former gymnast named Alina Kabaeva.

I’m pleased to report that Kabaeva shaved off that disgusting monobrow, and chubbed out. I assumed that was from all the kvass she skolled during those tense meetings she chairs at National Media Group (NMG), the largest private media holding in Russia which (coincidentally) is owned by a good mate of the Grey Cardinal.

Kabeava is (or was) the general director of the Alina Kabaeva Charitable Foundation, a subsidiary of NMG which in 2019 was valued at 55 million rubles. While insisting that she drew no income from the charity, sources report Kabaeva was paid almost 1 million rubles per day in 2020, whereas the average Russian was making 11,000 ($207 AUD or $151 USD).

While I personally wouldn’t get out of bed for $207, Kabaeva happily jumped into bed for her daily $18,884 AUD / $13,793 USD, and rumour suggests it wasn’t just the business lunches of kvass and sheeps’ head kholodets at NMG headquarters that made Alina Kabaeva fat.

It was Vladimir Putin’s home-made special sauce.

Because it seems the manly Muscovite had been putin it in her for some time. About 2017, Alina disappeared from public view, and it was rumoured she was shacked up with Kim Jong Un’s pregnant wife Ri-Sol ju in some Swiss clinic, both punching out a kid. Except Alina’s labour would have been over in about four seconds.

In 2019 she again disappeared, rumoured to have delivered twin boys to the Putinator in the same elite birthing suite nestled in Switzerland’s Ticino canton. Vlad’s sudden absence from the world stage was noted at the time, and much speculated upon. But no, he wasn’t dead. Vladimir Putin can’t die. He’s a model T-1000 Putinator whose secret GF was having babies!

When a few brave souls unwisely nicknamed the unconfirmed lads ‘Ras’ and ‘Com’, their bodies were found floating in the Volga. Subsequent inqueries about Alina’s disappearance were handled by a very dour woman from the Kremlin’s customer service department:

Shut upski! I kill you!

While I wish the happy couple nothing but joy, it has also been reported that the Pootie-poot’s first wife Lyudmila has turned cougar, spotted publicly cavorting with a ‘dishy’ toyboy 21 years her junior. Let’s hope Lyudmila’s beau doesn’t end up in the Volga, or sharing a bunk with Alexei Navalny!

With Lyudmila busy making the beast with two backs, and Alina battling her mommy stretch marks, the insatiable Muscovite has been eyeing off spy-turned-lingerie-model Anna Chapman (born Anna Vasilyevna Kushchenko), whose lack of monobrow makes her an infinitely more appealing Secret First Lady, even if chasing increasingly younger women makes Poot seem like a sad, old khuylo.

But I never said that, no It was those damn Ukrainians!

oh please don’t kill me.

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