Okay, time to come clean with a dirty secret:

I own every movie Gina Carano has ever starred in.

Yep, I even purchased with real foldin’ money the ‘post-apocalyptic western‘ (that’s how they get you) Scorched Earth (2018), where she plays a bounty-hunter chasing ‘eco-criminals‘ until one day she goes soft over some sex-slave that reminds her of her dead sister, and kills everybody. Joss Whedon could shit a better script than Scorched Earth, but sadly no-one asked for his contribution. By 2018 Gina Carano has been acting for nine straight years, but you’d never guess. I think RottenTomatoes gave it 6/100.

But my first actual Gina film was probably where the whole sordid affair began. Watching her beat Michael Fassbinder to the death, I thought ‘Holy shit! She’s like Jason Bourne in a cocktail dress!” That was Haywire (2011) of course, and her first lead as a grim-faced black-ops assassin on the run. There was something gritty and real about it, plus the support cast was stellar — Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Bill Paxton.

Infatuated.

The first hint of trouble in paradise happened with her next lead, In the Blood (2014) where Gina kills everybody after they’re mean to her wimpy-ass boyfriend or some unlikely shit. I don’t really remember much of this film except Gina doing a lot of grim-faced fightin’ and grim-faced killin’ — the only really memorable thing about this flop was again the stellar support — Danny Trejo, and … oh, um actually, no Trejo was it.

But nobody can call me unfaithful, because despite this disappontment I kept my vows. Heist (2015) came along and I opened my wallet, thinking, “Phew! She’s not the lead. All she has to do is kick ass, shut up and look pretty!” but then some idiot gave her lines to mangle and it all turned to shit. The leads (Robert DeNiro ffs, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Dave Bautista, Kate Bosworth) all have some explaining to do, but grim-faced Gina disappointed me yet again.

2015 was a bad year for Gina and I. Not so much the beginning of the end, more like the middle of the end, or perhaps even three/fifths. Extraction (2015) was one confusing cross after double-cross, starring a Bruce Willis that made me mourn for the passing of the actor once capable of John McClane. Indestructible Gina again looked fabulous, but began to question whether the dour-faced, ass-kicking type floats my boat anymore.

I watched Deadpool (2016) more for Morena Baccarin, to be honest. It felt a bit like cheating. Ryan Reynolds got into character blah blah but Gina’s attempts to lure me back by popping out a boob while fighting Colossus? Like, really? Sorry hun, I’ve seen it before. Same goes with her moment in the worst JCVD film of all time (Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016)) which only served to bury the memory of my brother, my best friend and I going to see the original in a cinema back in ’89. Gina kept her puppies on a short leash, but I escaped mine.

Daughter of the Wolf (2019) did contain echos of Haywire, I admit. Gina returns as another grim-faced spec-ops type who hunts down the baddies who kidnapped her son, et cetera. Support cast = Richard Dreyfuss. As the villain?? I know, right? Weird. But not as weird as the mystical relationship she forms with a wolf pack, tbh something we could have done without. But the gritty realism was back. It made me think, “Have I been too hard? Maybe she’s finally learned to emote? Can I forgive her?”

Nope.

Because on top of being a very mediocre actor who believes in the magical appeal of her boobs and fading ability to theatrically kick people in badly choreographed fight scenes, Gina Carano also believes that being conservative in America today is no different to how Jews were treated during the Holocaust. Yep, seriously. And she makes fun of trans people AND thinks the election was rigged.

Sorry babe.

Also, it has to be said that she just doesn’t cut the mustard anymore. The Gina Carano of Haywire (2011) is not the Cara Dune of The Mandalorian (2019+), and I am no chubby-chaser.

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