Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst‘ is the philosophical raison d’etre of the prepper movement, and while I may poke gentle fun at the lunatic fringe of this now well-established group, I’m a staunch advocate of their mindset. Unfortunately, most preppers are at the lunatic fringe, and female preppers are no exception.

But I’m not here to re-invent the wheel. If you want, there’s already an encyclopaedia of good advice in the wwwebz to get you prepared for the End of Days. My humble contribution is more along the lines of thinning the field a little. Where not to waste your time. Whose advice NOT to follow, sorta thing. So let’s begin with the ladies.

If your odyssey into the world of female-oriented SHTF begins and ends with Farm Girl, then you may well learn how to throw an axe, pull a tractor, shoot guns and do proper pushups despite all that encumbering silicone, but you will learn nothing about doomsday survival. Other than proving there are places in the world where you can wear a bikini and a happy smile 365 days of the year, when Armageddon arrives Farm Girl’s mommy-makeover won’t save your ass.

The Survival Mom may sound a bit hokey, but don’t be fooled. Survivor Mom markets herself as a “very smart and very aware mom who will do whatever it takes to safeguard her family“. If you shell out $13.99 for her “Prepping 101” course then (apparently) she’ll set you off on the road to preparedness, but true survivalism will cost $37/month to join her “Survival Mom Sisterhood” aka “We can do this together!” coterie. With your monthly dose of snake-oil you’ll also receive secret survivalist know-how in “three areas of prepping overlooked by almost all survival experts!” unquote. Hmmm, seems like utter bullshit to me.

Apartment Prepper‘s disclaimer prepares you early for disappointment: “I am not a survival, or emergency expert, I created this blog to chronicle my own preparedness experiences, including both successes and failures”. So it’s a diary? If tha’s the case, um, why are you giving advice about prepping then? Oh, the banner ads and Amazon.com affiliate links! I get it now — it’s about your $$$ survival, not ours. While there is some free advice, there’s very little here in the niche of “family preparedness in a small space“. For example, I was personally disappointed not to see a single post about how to pick which pet to eat first. Another cash grab.

Preppers Survive is run by a woman called Nettie who lists her passtimes as “reading, hiking, exploring the Prepper community, and shooting guns.” I shit you not. Calamity Nettie is keen to sell you her “Preppers Survive Checklist” for only $11.95 on (you guessed it) Amazon, or if you want an electronic copy that’s not 100% guaranteed to survive the electomagnetic pulse about to devastate continental United States any minute now, then it’s only 3.49 of your overvalued American dollars. Nup, pass.

Rogue Preparedness is a YouTube channel hosted by a tattooed lady who makes wildly political statements like “a lot of our freedoms and rights are being threatened right now” to encourage you over to her web-store to buy a doomsday t-shirt ($34.16 WTF?) or doomsday coffee mug ($27.98 2xWTF??). Without viewing every video since 2015, I’d suggest there’s some legit advice here, if you can stomach the Republican rants and overpriced merch.

Primal Survivor is different in that it focuses more on getting women home than bugging out. With Amazon links to very female-oriented survival products (“Periods and the Apocalypse: How to Deal with Feminine Hygiene during Disasters“) at least it talks about stuff other female preppers don’t. But then there’s a mostly-male team behind this site. The blog was created by a bloke, but the chief writer is the female co-author of “Disaster Preparedness for Women: 52 Steps to Get Ready for Anything” an ambitious title at best. Presumably two of those steps are (1) stock up on sexy tops, and (b) buy a gun. Use sparingly.

Happy Preppers dont declare their gender, but they definitely want to take you shopping! This is an exhaustive online catalogue of affiliate links to all things preppy, which is very pandemic-flavoured at the moment. This site “happily targets concerned citizens who are self-reliant survivalists, preppers and homesteaders with original content on survival following societal collapse.” While there’s nothing original about making a living from affiliate links, their cheerful mercantilism would make the most jaded entrepreneur smile. If you buy enough stuff you’ll survive Armageddon!

The Patriot Nurse is an ultra-conservative scaremonger on YouTube who provides “no-nonsense straight talk about medical prepping for SHTF and everyday stuff too.” So, nursing with automatic weapons. Her emphasis has shifted to proselytising recently, with so much “Our Lord” and “God is great” shit that it’s hard to sort the wheat from the chaff. Her voice, oh jebus, those hour-long rants.

Another conspiracy theorist praying for doomsday, plus merch — tshirt $35.52, coffee mug $19.74 — but while her advice on medical issues is genuinely good, everything else on this channel is fact-bending partisan bullshit: “Waah! We lost! We wuz robbed! the Left are to blame for everything, and the Right to blame for nothing! Waaaah!! Where’s muh gunz?”

Finally and at last there’s Survival Lilly. Yes, she spends an extraordinary amount of time in a singlet, but Lilly is no woodland slattern. The Austrian wood nymph is a genuine survival expert. Her early advice on COVID was sound, she teaches utilitarian skills whether you want to bug-out or nest-in when (if) SHTF. No politics, no religion, just solid survivalism for years at zero cost to you. Speaks volumes that are no mugs and tshirts in her shop, just fire kits and knives. Full tang, of course.

Men next.

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