A quick recap in case your Greek is a bit rusty:

At a banquet held by ugly old Polydectes, who badly wanted to play ‘Hide the Sausage’ with Perseus’s mum Danae, Perseus rashly challenged his conniving host to name any gift. To get rid of the young cockblocker, Polydectes demanded the head of the mortal gorgon, Medusa. Aunt Athena suggests to Perseus that maybe he’s bitten off more than he can chew. She tells him to visit the nymphet Hesperides for some extra-killy gear. Unfortunately, Perseus is a dumbass and gets geographically embarassed, so he extort three old women (the Graea) for directions to the naughty nymphs by ransoming their only good eye. In turn, the ‘clear-speaking’ Hesperides give Perseus a knapsack.

That’s right, a knapsack. Stupid nymphs! After this anticlimax, various gods pitch in with some actually useful kit, including Zeus’ adamantine sword +3 versus gorgons, Hades’ helm of improved invisiblity, Hermes’ winged sandals of quickness, and Athena’s mirrored shield. Perseus visits the gorgons in their opulent villa on the Costa Navarino, Messinia (nah kidding, some dank, stinking cave) where the big hero chops off Medusa’s head whils she’s asleep. The other gorgons chase him, but, you know, helm of invisibility, winged sandals, etc.

Perseus chucks Medusa’s petrifying head into his finally-useful backpack, then pops by to see Atlas (yes, that Atlas) and turn him to stone. Fuck knows why. He then rubs salt into the wound by turning the sea monster Cetus (mother of the gorgons) into concrete. Finally, knock-knock-guess-who, he presents old Polydectes with his gift, promptly turning the old coot into a lump of sexually-frustrated stone. Perseus then gives the head to frigid bitch Athena who sticks it on her shiny shield and/or tunic. As a memento, I guess, of her own undiclosed conflict of interest in the whole torrid affair.

While the Greeks thought Perseus was the bee’s knees, I’ve always thought he’s just another pencil-dick demigod prancing around stealing shit and stabbing people. My sympathies lie with Medusa, but also her immortal sisters. If you believe Ovid (and who doesn’t) they copped a fairly raw deal. As a beautiful young woman with nice hair, Medusa made the innocent mistake of unwittingly attracting the wandering eye of randy sea-god Poseidon, who stalks, ambushes and rapes the young woman inside a temple dedicated to Athena.

The virgin goddess Athena (who let’s be honest comes across as an uptight bitch) flies into a rage and punishes Poseidon–oh wait, no she doesn’t–she punishes rape-victim Medusa (the filthy breeder) by turning her into a horrific monster with snakes for hair whose gaze turns others to stone. And for no reason at all, Medusa’s sisters (who were just standing around talking sisterly shit) also get cursed. That Athena, she’s a bitch.

But revenge is a bitch too. Perseus was later killed by his cousin Megapenthes of Argos, after the former killed Mega’s dad Proetus for some bogus reason I can’t remember. Which just proves the old adage that you can’t be going around slayin’. Perseus had it coming, that’s for sure, and while we know exactly what happened to poor Medusa, what of her poor benighted sisters Sthenno and Euryale? You don’t read much about them, do you. You can imagine they’d be proper pissed.

All that good-for-nothing Hesiod tells us is that “Medusa who suffered a woeful fate: she was mortal, but the two were undying and grew not old.” So, cursed forever. No wonder they became monsters. To die not, nor grow old in all your days. I’d think immortality was curse enough, but vicious Athena hates all women, especially the pretty ones. I bet she has like zero female friends. Who’d want to hang around a chick who might on a whim just turn you into a fucking spider?? If it were me, I’d prefer to be turned to stone. At least you’d get some rest.

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