The most exciting news out of the US today is the announcement by VP Mike Pence that members of the dorkily named ‘United States Space Force’ will be called ‘Guardians’! At least the unit’s emblem doesn’t look like a rip-off of Star Trek’s Starfleet Command!

This is excellent. Another bold initiative by The Loser Donald Trump. Gosh, he’s achieved SO much! At least we know what comics he read as a kid, and what re-runs he continues to watch as a geriatric. I do hope they all get ray guns. And laser-beams! AND personal-issue teleportation devices! At least the USSP quartermaster can now start fabricating proper space uniforms for all the Guardians.

I’m a bit worried that it’s still a month before the Secret Service have to drag The Loser Donald Trump out of the White House by his nappy. Given how weak his passwords are, I don’t want the Russian Government getting control of the Space Force Guardians’ rockets or anything! But we’re talking the Russians so they’ve probably already reprogrammed the rockets to self-destruct upon ignition. Those crafty Russkies!

But never fear, the Guardians are here! I look forward to reading about their daring exploits. I imagine they’ll follow the tried-and-trusted command structure at Starfleet Command Space Force Command: They’ll need a chief pilot and co-pilot, both male, with the chief pilot a solid dependable guy with a square jaw and grey hair and a no-nonsense attitude, whereas the co-pilot is a cigar-smoking daredevil with a temper who get’s in trouble all the time!

Next there will be a sexy redhead who sits at a monitor all the time, swivelling worriedly in her swivel-seat to present bad space-news (and her very curvy silhouette) to the chief and co-pilots (spoiler: she has a secret crush on them both! The slut!)

Then there will be a zany guy of indeterminate years with a funny voice and maybe even zany hair (so funny) who invents things and looks after tech and stuff. He’s such a coward! He will have a name nobody uses because his nickname is ‘Brains’ or something. Brains ALWAYS has the answers, but not until the countdown reaches two seconds! He’s a just-in-time guy.

Brains will have an assistant, most likely Asian, who works in the lab and doesn’t speak except to bow and say ‘Ah so!’ or ‘So solly!’ whose name will be ‘Ching’ or something funny like that! “Bring me the astrolabe, Ching!” ‘Ah so, master brains!’ SO FUNNY!


Then there will be an old b.l.a.c. k. man who brings the crew their meals and beers and stuff. But he will still be more important than the old b.l.a.c.k. woman who prepares the meals and beers and stuff. She works in the kitchen and isn’t allowed anywhere else (because she doesn’t have clearance). And when the Guardians are not in space they’ll have a chauffeur, an old white guy with an English accent named James, as in “Home, James, and don’t spare the horses!” So funny, and so considerate giving all these old people something to do! I mean, why have robots shen you can have old people!

This is going to be cool!

Record you’re favourite ‘Space Force Guardians‘ moments here:

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