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Yesterday, a gang of monkeys attacked a laboratory assistant and escaped with a batch of coronavirus blood test samples from Meerut Medical College in Delhi, according to authorities. The arboreal assailants ambushed the hapless assistant and escaped to nearby trees, where they were seen eating the samples. While we are reassured that the lab assistant was not seriously injured in the attack, ‘not seriously injured’ does not equate to ‘not injured’. So the actual by-line should actually read: lab assistant was injured in the attack, but not seriously. Imagine how terrifying it would feel to be going about your business then being suddenly physically attacked and bitten by aggressive simians in the street. Could only happen in India, or some third-world uncivilised hellhole right?

Derek Chauvin, the now former-police officer who pinned a man to the ground in Minneapolis by kneeling on his neck, has been charged with third-degree murder. Third-degree murder is not murder, it’s proffered where premeditation and/or intent can’t be proved — only that the death resulted through an inherently dangerous act, with no regard for human life. Why is this still possible in 2020? In response, Barack Obama tweeted: “we have to remember that for millions of Americans, being treated differently on account of race is tragically, painfully, maddeningly ‘normal’.” Donald Trump tweeted: “when the looting starts, the shooting starts. Thank you!

It sickens me to my stomach that the dreadful wheel keeps spinning: police kill a black man, peaceful protests morph into riots when the opportunistic looting begins, police crack down with military-grade munitions, more lives lost. All’s quiet again, until the next time a black man decides to risk his life by stepping outside. Another scared cop oversteps the mark. What’s the answer? Surely not the teeth-baring of our dumb primate leaders, who frankly don’t give a shit how many black Americans die at the hands of white cops. So long as they get re-elected. So long as their rabid support-base remain rabidly supportive. But let me throw this little hand-grenade into the mix: would police in the US be less prone to overreact if they weren’t always dealing with people who might be armed? Instead, a US President urging us to start shooting?

Could only happen in America.

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