News that a Kardashian has infiltrated the White House means ‘perplexing’ is no longer an adequate word to describe the arbitrariness with which persons gain access to the Oval Office. The logarithm behind this phenomena could well be the key to understanding the Trump Presidency. To be sure, a certain degree of predictability is anticipated: nobody is have surprised to see Donny and Angela pressing the flesh before the most famous fireplace in the world, for example.

But I doubt Chancellor Merkel had to grease Donald’s greasy palm before plopping her plump posterior into that over-padded seat. She’s a head of state and thus can expect a certain level of diplomatic hospitality from the head of another state. So, if that’s a rule generally, why didn’t it apply to the President of the Ukraine?

While Petro is an odd christian name at the best of times, perhaps if the Ukraine had more petro-dollars then The Donald might have sniffed a trade-deal or something and activated some of his infamous ‘art of the deal’ schmoozing to get a fellow billionaire to the table.Unfortunately, poor Ukraine is as bereft of assets as Trump is morals; speaking of which–

Trump was apparently so impressed with Stormy Daniels’ assets that she was paid $130,000 to pump for Trump, or was it pump the stump, or… anyway, I forget, the election was such a long time ago — and yes, editorial correction to prevent lawsuit — his lawyer paid her $130,000 dollar to keep quiet about a liaison which The Donald denied, denied, denied, denied, then finally admitted, meanwhile continuing to deny, deny, deny, deny any knowledge about the hush-money side of the deal.

Of course, there’s a long tradition of permitting whole binders full of people into the Oval Office, but mostly on special occasions. Black History Month, for example. A photo op with a carefully selected amalgam of the peoples of all nations, reflecting the foundational values of the US, et cetera. In turn, Donny gets early access to impressionable young minds, so that when they grow into the social media influencers they all want to be, they are programmed to spread the word. It’s gonna be a yuge year for The Donald.

Watch out for that unicorn, Donald! Unicorns can’t be trusted. They’re always horny. So while access in the broadest sense to the Oval Office or the Presidency itself appears arbitrary, you can take some of the guesswork out of it if you’re prepared to debase yourself — then no door is closed. For the Trump Presidency, the Stormy shenanigans are no isolated storm in a double-d cup, no — he has form. And he’s hardly the first to stain his blotter. I mean, how much Monica Lewinsky could you scrape off the Resolute desk? It beggars thought.

Luckily (and I say this for the 130,000th time) Mr Trump isn’t our leader. Benighted of political talent we may be, but at least Australia’s leader resembles a (sadly inept) human being and not some 50’s bobble-head half-melted by too much time under a sunlamp. My advice to anyone that cares to listen? Throw him another young and beautiful piece of ass, and he’ll forget we even exist.

Plus, we have sharks out here Donald. Lots and lots of sharks.

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