The latest news out of Pyongyang is of yet more military braggadocio, with a ballistic missile test likely in coming days. Following hard on the country’s recent and fourth nuclear test, this has attracted the usual round of criticism from the US and nearby nations, conspicuously minus China. While North Korea insist it’s all about dragging the impoverished nation out of the technological dark ages, the rest of the world see an aggressive project to develop ICBM capability. As we all know, ICBMs deliver thermonuclear warheads and have a range of 6,000+ kilometres, and with Pyongyang as the launch site, there are few places on Earth a North Korean nuclear missile couldn’t reach. Of course, the fifth Teletubby, Kim Jong-un, denies this. ‘Eh-oh!” he says; but veteran journo Alistair Gale, bureau chief in Seoul for the Wall Street Journal, knows otherwise. He feels the country is definitely gearing up for nuclear capacity, hence the fairly unsubtle Communist Party propaganda in the streets:
While pundits both Western and Oriental chew their fingernails, I for one don’t believe a word of it. North Korea doesn’t have two dollars for a mocha-latte from Starbucks, let alone the billions it needs for a viable ICBM programme (yes that’s right, not ‘program’). Instead, huddled around their trusty Amstrad, stealing internet from an unsecured hotspot from a noodle bar in Gimpo across the border, North Korean “IT experts” are busily photoshopping not only their nation’s bogus military capabilities, but also the public image of their Supreme Leader. Naturally, as their Commander and Chief, these two concerns sometimes go hand in hand.
Hmm, nice abs Kim! Anyway, there has always been a place for disinformation, psychological warfare and counter-espionage amid the cut-and-thrust of modern international relations. If the US have clouds of spy-satellites monitoring his every move, then give the capitalist dogs something to be paranoid about! Rattle those sabres, Kim! A little gunboat diplomacy goes a long way because, as we know, it only takes one Nervous Nellie at the Pentagon to hit The Big Red Button. Then we will see North Korea’s real military capabilities. Kim will have to show his hand, and finally reveal the one true military asset he has so far managed to keep virtually secret:
On the other hand, Kim Jong-unicorn aside, let’s not underestimate a country with a CIA confirmed standing army of more than ten million. Let’s not underestimate a country whose leader is a warmonger actively starving his populace so that he can pour money into his “defence” budget. We can’t even use the analogy of the bullied kid who finally snaps and goes on an murderous and indiscriminate rampage with all-too easily acquired firearms, because North Korea is the bully. In fact, what if the North’s tactic is to goad and provoke its sibling, South Korea, a military superpower, into a pre-emptive strike. This is old news: NK is on notice since at least 2015 that SK is on a 4D (detect, disrupt, defend and destroy) footing, with the backing of Japan and the US should Pyongyang point its Scuds at Seoul. Make no mistake, we are talking total war. SK would intercept anything coming over the wall and wipe the North off the face of the world map. My only worry, if my underestimations are wrong, is that this is what the Fat Kid wants.
Holed up in his bunker as the bombs drop on his desperately innocent people, Kim and his stooges would pick up the red phone to the Kremlin or, more likely, Beijing and call in some favours. Then instead of one idiot with a stupid haircut and too much abdominal fat, the US and it’s allies (including Oz) find themselves in the ring with a couple of guys who really can throw a punch. And what if the US Missile Defence Agency is overstating its capacity as well? Would they act to intercept an ICBM with nuclear payload aimed at, say, Sydney?
I guess, in that instance, I should start working on my flexibility in case I have to put my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye. If I happen to survive the nuclear armageddon and merge blinking into a radioactive desert populated by flesh-eating zombies and, I dunno, radscorpions, then at least I will be prepared with my crowbar and machete. Alternatively, I hope the pudgy idiot is just the big-talking nobody he seems to be, and that at the end of the day self-preservation prevails in that tiny brain of his, just as it does in everyone else. Then he can just go back to being the arch-clown of the world stage, and maybe focus more on becoming the international fashionista he could be, perhaps by recruiting Jennifer Lawrence as their style ambassador, given she’s halfway there already.